Pages of a novel : May 2012

This is so sad omg, I am going to sound like a retard yet again but omg!!! I didn't fail english. My english teacher kept going on about how turnitin said I copied heaps of stuff from other websites onto my english assignment (see previous posts) and made it sound like she was going to fail me. I was preparing myself for a C or B-- or something and already feeling hopeless and then I got my marks back. The paper had an A+ penciled on it, I honestly couldn't believe my eyes. No, i'm not being modest and it's not like jap either where I always want an A+ and get all sad cause I don't get one. I've never gotten an A+ for english before, like ever and then the teacher goes and gives me one when I least expected it. I'm happy :) Still shocked but happy, it took about 10 seconds of staring at the paper to realise that I hadn't gone blind after all. I know this sounds so annoying and all, but honestly, I really really didn't expect it. I'm not one of those straight A+ students so it's quite an achievement for me.

Haha came home and cracked open a coconut by myself and had some coconut juice just to celebrate 8) LOL so random, i literally did though, I'm so pro 8) mum was like 'pffft you haven't got enough strength/knife skills' and then I proved her wrong hauehaeuaheuaeh. I must not become complacent though, still lots of work to be done. You might be thinking pft, she doesn't even need to worry cause she got an A- and then A+ for her two assessments, you're wrong. Contrary to beliefs I actually put my life into english, no kidding. Probably cause I like it more than maths so I try harder I guess. Mmhm, can't really say that I'll get anything decent for chemistry though :\ I screwed the ERT soooo bad, Badran is going to be so disappointed in me ):

Went to library at break to 'study' with sunny, I didn't get much done though cause I was looking for sunny half the time, turns out I walked past her twice ^^"

stepped out of my comfort zone today though, I went up to him and asked if I could go seek him out in the mornings to ask him chem stuff cause I'm falling behind. I really need to find a way to pick up my marks by heaaaaps. So scary, kinda dreading going in the morning tomorrow, I hate asking questions. It has always been a fear of mine. Haha, oh and i tried the chicken Foccacia for the first time today.

じゃ　また明日皆　：）　

Thank you god, although I've being straying awfully far away, I believe that today's miracle was due to you. I must maintain my faith and keep trusting.

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HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY CINDY CHEN :))

Chinese school again today, I swear I only go there to talk to coco/stephen :L Well sometimes I answer a few questions/ have a 20 minute cramming session with them before the exam but that is about it. Haha will probably end up in the graduating class when i'm like 25 or something. Pft.

for SOMEBODY who thinks coco is super hot ;))))) its ... nah just kidding, not gonna say.

Coco is so pretty :') I know heaps of guys after her hohoho ;) too bad. So funny, sometimes when I go chinese school, she tells me she just shaved her legs and that they're very smooth so she makes me feel them and today she told me to smell her hair. Stephen was like ._." girls are so weird LOLOL, bet he was jealous ;))))) nah jokes. Ah, coco makes chinese school so much more entertaining :') I want to go shopping with her in taiwan :D Haha we were talking about how next year if i get my P plates, we could totally go have lunch after chinese school all the time. Also, she has her own online boutique & is learning how to make studded shorts/ her own clothes :D taking sewing lessons. (Y)

I think it's good when people have hobbies and interests, those who don't give a damn about anything are actually worrying. Well i've noticed most girls tend to like it when people have something they're passionate about. Wow so random, kay. That is all that has been happening in my life. Did some math B this arvo, should really start of physics though. I'm having heaps of trouble with chem damn & physics of course...and english... make that everything. pft.

Must keep going!! only a few more months left :)

Oyasumi

--------------------------------------------------------------update-----------------------------------------------------------

Dad just came in and dropped off this little envelope :) It was from janice!! She made me a ice-cream keyring out of polymer clay as well as choc-chip cookie earrings + hair clip.

Thanks so much janice! They're so cute. I haven't seen her in aaaages, should catch up some time. Ah, can't believe I've known her for 10 years already ._.

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Today I went orchestra & afterwards went back to upper campus to wait for cindy. It's her birthday tomorrow guys! Don't forget to wish her happy birthday. I was sitting on the chairs while talking to people and suddenly this hard cover kinda thing whacks me on the back, knocking my breath away and I turn to see cindy running away with whatever she it me with = = To bad, I was going to give her a hug since it is her birthday tomorrow but then since she was a bad girl I refused to. Everyone should know I don't really like hugging people haha, too bad cindy. Pft not much of a loss, but she still wanted one anyway. She refused to take her birthday present cause I wouldn't hug her so I shoved it into her and started walking LOL then she opened it.....and chased me all the way to form class.

Well, that is, she was trying to make me hug her cause she was obsessed with the panda hat I got her :L Thought she would stop chasing after I hurriedly ran into form class but no, she ended up tackling me (literally) onto the tables and everyone was like o_o". LOL Mr. Halai was giving us weird looks and cindy then showed him the hat :L Haha glad you liked it cindy :3 Even though I got whacked and tackled all under one hour :') Haha, just kidding, all good.

Had map second period, I didn't get to take a photo with cindy ): Only got a few shots of kaido and stuff cause cindy put his hat on him, bahahaha I showed it to my jap tutor, she agrees with me. He looks like a little kid LOL. Well at least I think so.

Anyways, took bus with elaine the retard in the arvo, went jap tutor, my socks got soaked on the inside as per usual cause shoes have cracks in them. I've been using them since grade nine but yeah, since i'm grade 12 and all, just trying to keep wearing them till I graduate :3 Hopefully there aren't too many rainy days. Wow that sounds so sad haha. Kay goodnight guys! Chinese school tomorrow :') Oh well, I'll just talk to coco.

Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY CINDY FOR TOMORROW ( just in case I don't blog). :)

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I feel bad, procrastinated the whole day and its almost blocks :\ i must get my act together or else I'll probably end up hardcore cramming and having mental breakdowns every night. Every time I think about my marks I feel like a;woeifnaweo but yeah. Anyways, we've been doing titration in chemistry recently :) It's really fun! (except we kept failing at getting the right amount of sodium hydroxide into our beaker, it always turned out too pink when it reacted with the indicator).

After school I was going to show kaido where Tiffany &Co. was in the city cause he wanted to get his girlfriend something. Richie & I were paying him out cause he didn't know where it was and then ironically 20 minutes later, we ended walking around looking for it cause it turns out I couldn't find it. The old shop moved to queens plaza and I had to call alice to ask for help haha, sadly I didn't even know where queens plaza so we ended up going information centre like bogans.

Came home, didn't do anything except a bit of jap tutor and then had nandos for dinner and now i'm dying of bloated-ness :\ Ate way too much, stress eating again. I need some motivation omg. Penny CHEN! Okay blogging is so not helping but a;woe I'm so addicted dammit. No Facebook, rarely go on msn so I guess this is the only internet life I have. Seriously need to stop reading everyone else's blogs though, cause I get envious of their lives :L & also it distracts me soooo much. Anyways, goodnight all. Haven't been able to talk to jenwen lately ): Cause she is doing bio, I should be working hard too. I made the most stupid mistake on jap listening test, goodbye subject award.

媽對不起，我不是故意要對你發脾氣的，只是這幾天壓力好大然後有敢覺只有我自己在面對，所以很寂寞。謝謝你那麼有耐心的聽我抱怨，讓我發洩情緒，謝謝你叫我不要放棄。雖然我不常說出來，但我真的很感謝你為我的付出，請原諒這個不愛說肉麻話的我。對不起給你多於的煩腦，我到這年紀了因該要學會怎麼自己去克服困難，但我卻把我的痛苦扔到你身上。我真的很希望成積可以好一點，讓你不用去擔心，不用那麼累，但這些會說出來也沒用。重點是要多努力一些。我這幾天好想放氣所有的一切，因為敢覺以經失去了希望，失去了夢想，是你讓我振作起來的。真的很謝謝你。曾經也

有個好朋友對我說：失去了夢想不要難過，再去找個新的不就得了嗎？

說的也對，我幹嘛每天想讓我難過的事呢？幹麻去在意讓我沒信心的人？我真的要學習去珍惜別人對我的好。

Anyways, forgot to say that our Japanese student teacher left now ): All the girls were obsessed with him hahahahaha. I was waiting for kaido to cross cause he was talking to Shuhei sensei and then they ended up taking a final photo on his last day. So awkward, I was only girl there :L cause everyone else had left by then :@ Turns out Shuhei sensei added quite a few people on Facebook, damn! If i had Facebook... :L nah i'm not obsessed, I just have a fascination with japanese people hahah, not creepy at all. I should totes go live in japan for a year.

Goodnight you guys :)

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To be honest, 2012 has been pretty crap so far.

I haven't been able to achieve what I set out to do, I found out my dog which I gave to another family had passed away, my japanese exam marks have been dropping.

Now on top of it all, my english teacher goes and tells me that the feature article which I turned in had a 19% similarity to online websites. Her tone implied that she thought I copied it off the web and she was going on about how it was unacceptable and stuff. We go and check the sites and it shows the segments which I have apparently 'copied' and it is all just quotes. She then goes on to say she doesn't know if I actually read the book or not and like there is still some parts which are not part of the quote but are listed as copied. Wow, two words in front of my quotes count as me cutting and pasting on to my assignment.

I can't believe she would think that way, that I would stoop so low as to copy 1/5 of my assignment from online websites. I was really upset at the beginning but now I'm starting to feel a bit irritated. Cindy also had the same issue and then my teacher just goes on talking like we cheated or something. The ridiculous part is, one of the sites that came up as a copy source was this website talking about Japanese Geishas. Yeah, tell me how that has ANYTHING to do with the importance of being earnest/pride and prejudice. Oh and she realised she didn't bring my paper with her a;owiefnawoef.

To be honest, I just feel like crap. I don't even know what I'm going to do. She said she isn't going to make me 'rewrite' it but my overuse of quotes would get me penalised in some sections. I've never had this happen to me & argh ): English and jap are the only things I can fall back on a bit simply cause I don't need to kill myself studying and now I've got nothing. I haven't gotten my english marks, but I'm pretty sure its not going to be good. Cindy got hers back and I think I'll do worse. I had hoped that since english was easier for me compared to math I would be able to use it to pull me up, guess not. Don't know if I'm depressed or just irritated now.

Okay, must imagine a brick wall, just like yee sum, push everything out and get back to studying. Even if I don't know what I want to be anymore. Sorry for being bipolar :\ keep venting on my blog, which is kinda bad but then and again no one is around to listen to me so i guess yeah oh well.

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I did:

2hrs of physics

1hr and a half of math C

1 hr of chemistry

30 minutes of violin

Why do I not feel productive? :o

Hmm I've been stuffing myself with food lately, I think it's the stress kicking in. Ah, I'm meant to be completing my english homework at the moment but got momentarily distracted. Dear me, please get back on track, please stand up and persevere for your own dreams, please don't give up.

I aim to be a more optimistic person, I guess it's just hard because I've always been pessimistic. From a young age, I learnt that if I didn't expect so much, I wouldn't be so disappointed and things which went opposite to my negative expectations would make me so much more happier. Hm, I guess its a pretty bad habit now. I always thought it was just a cliche message being shoved into our faces from everywhere but I guess being positive does affect you so much more. If you're able to retain that little bit of hope, belief, self esteem you're able to push yourself so much further and you're able to stand stronger.

I haven't blogged so late in a while, guess I'm in my contemplative mood again. I read a few blog posts online, they complained of teenagers pretending to be all deep and meaningful with their 'emo' posts. Hm, I don't know, everyone has different opinions I guess but my strong belief is that as long as it is your blog, anything you write should not be a target of hate simply because its a expression of your own personality. Wow I'm jumping from one topic to the next.

I just came across someone's blog, made me want to reach out to them so much. I can totally relate with what they felt. I might not be able to promise forever, or to always always always be there no matter what, but I want to reach out and comfort them, even if perhaps it's not in the way they need most. One day, one day I'll be the strong one, the positive one, the one who is able to support someone else. People tell me I am quite persuasive and good with words, perhaps one day I'll be able to put that into good use.

I've always been the type to look on the negative side of things, to be skeptical when people tell each other they're beautiful no matter what, when people tell each other they'll be together forever etc. Cause in my mind, that has never existed. Don't ask me why, I don't believe in forever love and its not like I've even had a boyfriend before, odd huh. I wonder where all the pessimism with regards to love comes from. Actually, I'm trying to be more open about the whole idea of love, that there might actually be people who love each other whole-heartedly. From what I've witnessed over two years, Mibi and Fuzz are the only ones I believe might even love each other that much. It makes me happy though, to see that it might actually be possible. I feel like posting some things that I heard which is adorable x100000 but probably wouldn't be advisable since mibi would probably kill me. With regards to this belief of mine, perhaps I'll think differently when I actually find someone I love with all my heart just like them.

I hope that'll be possible for me. Maybe one day I'll discover it's not actually like I think; someone will love me, despite my tendency to be overbearing, bossy and easily angered. Perhaps they'll stay, and for some weird reason like my personality. It disturbs me when people call me cute because I know I'm not, my personality is so far from it and i'm nowhere near the sweet, passive, hypo girl who they think I am. I've been told repeatedly of the vices in my personality; the tendency to blame others, the selfishness, the high expectations, the repeated outbursts of anger when I am too proud to submit and just be a passive obedient daughter. I guess that has always made me believe that my personality is not as what most people think it is. I'm not some broken child who has suffered trauma in my life or anything, I have it pretty good but recently, I've come to consider that perhaps I'm not as bad as some people make me out to be, perhaps I'm really just being pessimistic without realising.

Always thought I was secretly vain and just used fake pessimism so that I could entice people into giving me compliments. I've started to realise though, I think i'm actually a pessimist, I actually lack self esteem to the point that I feel like giving up sometimes. Always thought there was no such thing as real pessimism, that it was just those psychologists making a big deal about teenagers being over-emotional and lacking in confidence but perhaps it might actually be true. Wow I typed so much, if you actually read up to this point, you probably just wasted at least five minutes of your life when you could actually be studying. Ahem, how hypocritical of me. I didn't think I would type so much, just ended up doing so anyway but I feel refreshed now, haven't typed so much in such a long time. My older posts always contained content similar to this, kind of. Apparently its a bad thing though. I don't want to appear to be some over-emotional person that people are scared of. What is wrong with me, I don't want people to think I'm shallow and then I don't want people to think I'm so mentally unstable freak. Oh well, I should probably say good night/ go make a start on english homework. I should sleep earlier.

Goodnight :) May tomorrow be a better day for you all!

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Hmmm, I should totally be studying right now :s I'm such a procrastinator. The only things I did yesterday was this tiny bit of math cause I was struggling with it, one umat drill which I didn't have time to do properly, looking over chem and english homework. The day before I actually sat down, did an hour of math B and about 2hrs~2hrs and a half of math C. I'm so slack a;owienf;aowienf. I need to set my goals higher and stop giving up on myself. Its only may penny, you graduate in november, still ages. Things I need to do:

1. Catch up on 5 chapters of math B e.g. 5.4, 4.1, 4.2, 4.3 and 4.4

2. Catch up on math C two chapters

3. Study physics & get ready for in class ERT

4. Hardout study chem, or else I will die

5. Learn how to do titration properly, getting EEI soon

6. DO UMAT DRILLS

7. Stop stress eating

Need to throw away all my emotions and get my head into things. I should be like yee sum, imagine a brick wall while I'm studying and just push everything out. Mental breakdowns do not help. No, just get into things!!! I hate how our ERTs are now in class, so unfair compared to the people last year ): Well maybe just for me cause I suck at exams and assignments are always the things which pull me up. Also, our chem exams are no longer similar to the revision sheets provided unlike the previous years. We had english, math B, chem ERT & physics EEI due in week 3&4, almost died. Heard that people last year got a few months for chem ERT :o

I wish state high kept things as it was. Oh well, I'm just making excuses, wishing everything would all be over. Though I don't really have much to look forward to, most people are going travelling and get to indulge in shopping/food whilst my dad is telling me to go backpacking in japan to learn 'experience' rather than be a 'tourist' <_< Okay its japan, still cool but I just want to decide what I want to do for my own graduation trip, or at least enjoy a trip for once in the way I like it without be accused of being materialistic etc. I know for a fact I'm not obsessed branded things thankyouverymuch.

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