MERRY CHRISTMAS FELLOW FRIENDS :)
Hope that your day has been filled with laughter, fun, smiles, happiness and of course, PRESENTS :D !
Happy Christmas eve to you all ! :) (lol if that even makes sense)
Woke up at around 9 today and had free reign of the computer cause dad was out :D found out the books i wanted to read were available for download online, i feel so ripped off now, buying all those books. Oh well, i guess its my contribution to liquidation throughout the universe -coughcough-
I'm starting to think whether or not i should've been born a guy o_o i realised the other day that i'm actually not that fond of clothes shopping, in fact the only times i enjoy shopping for myself is when i'm looking at stationery or books. I often get bored and tired of clothes shopping cause i'm not interested and i end up wearing second hand articles of clothing more often than the ones i buy ;o which totally defeats the purpose haha. I like shopping for people's birthday presents though, as weird as that may sound, i find it easier to buy someone else's item than my own, probably cause i have no idea what i want but yeah. Oh and i also have a really bad temper :s
Today sunny's family invited our family over for a christmas dinner, i was so fun. NOT. you know why? cause we didn't end up going D: dad claimed i just wanted to see sunny and didn't consider others - -" pft no , i just wanted to celebrate christmas unlike the past few years. My mum told us to go without her cause she was a bit sick but yeah dad started chucking a spazz, turned out it was cause he didn't want to go. Wish my parents had christmas spirit - -" my dad was like 'you can make anyday special if you like, especially if you study' somebody tell my father is crazy o_o he better not make me study today or tommorrow or i'll be like >:)
Had to cook dinner all by myself cause mum was sick, sucks the only female offspring D: haha simple food 8) oh well their fault for not helping. Dad just took mum to hospital,dw she's not dying or anything, just after some antibiotics since in Australia medical centres decide not to open on Christmas eve. Anyways, goodnight fellow children, i'm off to watch a movie again. :)
8:45 PM
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I feel at a loss to be honest. Being forced to study, I'm sick of hearing about studying. Have you studied today yet? How many hours have you studied? Did you focus when you studied today? Come back home early so you can study. Go to the library to study. What did you study today? Stop desiring and start studying. I'm so sick of hearing the word 'Study'.
I feel so pressured to study on the holidays and of course I understand the need for it but I hate being reminded all the time and having that heavy weight at the back of my mind every time I try to enjoy my leisure time. Its holidays, give me a break, its not as if I'm not planning to study at all. Every single time I try to relax, I feel guilty. Is it wrong to be able to relax without having these feelings? What I hate most though is you're right, I'm not enjoying my study, I'm not focusing, I'm not doing enough, its just I don't care to admit it to myself. In fact, I'd rather live in a world of oblivion, numb to the little thoughts that plague my mind. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself, hoping that others' comforts will fill the emptiness.
To be honest, I know. Your words remind me of just how little I'm doing to improve my situation and I hate that. The little cowardly part of me that is unwilling to face reality. I have no idea how to get a grip, to get back what used to be mine. The confidence in exams, the carefree feeling while waiting for my report cards and results. Perhaps its seeing others getting the ideal results without working half as hard as I did before, maybe that's what happened. But all this is just excuses now, I've grown so used to hiding in my own excuses its pathetic. I'm content listening to the words of comfort offered by others and shrouding myself away from the realities of life. I have no idea what I'm doing, I have no idea what I want to do in the future anymore. I have no desire to do anything in particular, not even things I used to enjoy and it scares me just a little bit.
Nothing really fills the void; the internet, reading, watching TV, going out. All of it is just a temporary replacement to what seems to be missing. I feel cut off from the world yet this sacrifice is not beneficial to me both physical and intellectually. How pathetic. I'm sick of being ashamed, sick of wanting to hide the results, sick of having the hopeless feeling before exams. I honestly don't know what happened to me, perhaps its that I look back on the past too often and rely on the old memories to give myself a boost. But, it no longer works anymore. Its so easy to wallow in self pity, waiting for a day when miraculously I will be hit with a wave of motivation, motivation to work hard, motivation to be a person I want to be.
Everything you say forces me to face the real situation, that I'm no longer who I used to be, that I'm not moving forward while others are, that I can't just keep waiting forever. I've come to realize that what you say is true. Without hard work, I'll be nothing, without the intellectual ability I'll only end up as a good-for-nothing and pathetic person that relies on someone else. Its not beauty, charm, talent that will get me through the rest of my life.The only possible asset is the academic results I could achieve by hard work.
People who once looked at me as a equal now look down on me, its shameful really. I don't want to be one of those that people look down upon yet nothing I am doing is preventing it. Yes, the truth is, I don't want to face myself, face the reality, banish the pride that always gets in the way between you and me and I'm sorry for that. However pathetic it sounds, I do feel a measurable amount of guilt. Yes, that word again. Guilt. Perhaps its time to motivate myself with something more, I don't know, but something needs to be done fast.
I know its probably a bit late to say this, but sorry for the mass load of self pity I just dumped on the unfortunate souls who just read this, its nothing really. Just a load of complaints yet again. Argh i really need to stop doing that. asdfawefasdf not good penny. Publicizing my complaints at life.
I know its probably a bit late to say this, but sorry for the mass load of self pity I just dumped on the unfortunate souls who just read this, its nothing really. Just a load of complaints yet again. Argh i really need to stop doing that. asdfawefasdf not good penny. Publicizing my complaints at life.
11:59 PM
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I went to a church christmas party yesterday, we were one hour and a half late, so embarrassing D: my mum thinks its normal to be late to parties and that you can come anytime between starting and finishing times ;o and she got lost even though we had a GPS LOL
isn't that awesome? ^
12:07 AM
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So, on monday I went iceskating with Jennifer, elaine, becky, albert, kaido, richie, daniel and terry. Took the bus there for the first time and we had no idea where to get off so I had to go ask the bus driver cause no one else could be bothered LOL we were like the only people on the bus except this other chick. Spent majority of the time playing tiggy and then saw sandra/phuong/sarah etc.
It felt so good to be out of the house lol, haven't iceskated in like years but yeah, it was so fun! Felt free for the first time in a while haha + i also go some exercise rather than just sitting home and watching TV. Woke up the next day feeling super sore though LOL my whole body was aching and i almost couldn't get up, not even kidding lol.
A few of us bussed back and then went to the cafe near SLQ where richie, albert & jennifer bought some coffee/hot chocolate before we went to maccas so jen/kaido/albert could buy some food to eat haha. Then of course we went with richie so he could do some formal shopping hahahaha well, more like window shopping but whatever. He liked this suit and was planning to buy it next week BUT he spent the 300 dollars pay he got on tuesday on his camera flash gun LOL so much for saving up but yeah, i just laughed at him :L
Been meeting up with jen to have lunch randomly LOL, richie came yesterday too and we chilled at a cafe. Realised i haven't been to many places to eat haha, i'll make that my goal then i suppose and go broke eating lunch. Kay i haven't been blogging frequently, starting to sound like a bit of a retard haha i think my brain has stopped working over the holdiays.
8:20 PM
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