你知道難過時哭不出來的感覺有多麼痛嗎?

I wasn't going to do this now, but I just.. felt the need to. Today, I found out my beloved dog passed away from an accident. To be honest, in words its a bit hard to describe how I feel. It seems like feeling hasn't quite sunk in yet my heart is heavy in some way and I think only now am I beginning to feel the first tendrils of grief take over. The family who adopted her invited sunny & my family over to dinner but seeing as we were busy moving house, only I could make it (dad told me to go cause I seemed stressed studying this week). The mother ended up telling me that sugar (my dog) had passed away.... and I stood there numbly, not even being able to shed a tear then. No, I'm not a unfeeling cold creature, I just seem unable to cry.

Apparently this happened a while ago but last time it wasn't right to bring it up since we had guests when they came over. It was all an accident really, apparently their family went to Taiwan so they left sugar at a dog hotel place and then one day, sugar decided to try dig under a fence/wriggle under it and somehow injured her head. It was too late when they got her to the vet the next day. I do not blame the sugar's family at all, the mother was crying when she told me all this. I know from the bottom of my heart that they treated sugar both with love and care. In fact, even more than I ever did probably and thats what I regret. Last year, everytime I was invited over to see sugar, I couldn't make it because I just had to have work on that particular day. I never made time, I couldn't just have skipped one stupid shift to go see her, and now she's gone. 

I originally went today, hoping to see her, as only the rest of my family have seen her (since they could make it all the time last year). I haven't seen sugar since 2010, and I never will again =\ I never treated her well enough. All the times I was having a bad day, picking her up would honestly make me feel so warm inside, it was as though she knew when to come over and start being all cute.  Why didn't I talk her for walks more often, why didn't i feed her better tasting food. 

That fluffy white creature i picked up at the start of grade 8 was my first ever dog. I can remember everything, picking her up in a cardboard box, taking her to the petshop to buy her supplies, giving her the first ever bath.

Even waking up at midnight just to spend time with her on the first night at our house cause she was whimpering out of loneliness. Her chomping on all of the choc-chip cookies janice and I baked for our sleepover and then going on to puke all over our lounge room, her biting the corners of our books, running maniacally around the house, barking at cars. Her running upstairs and jumping onto my bed, her sitting beside the dining table giving us doggy eyes, begging for food scraps. Her being bitten by an ant for the first time and gingerly walking on her remaining three legs while whimpering, her putting up a fight every night when we tried to bring her back into the laundry where she was supposed to stay after we went to bed. Her following me around everywhere, her chewing on everything in sight while going through her teething phase.

I am cursed, really, I think I've been cursed to have bad luck. Every time I was invited to see sugar, I had a shift. And when I go see her, I find out I can't anymore. Rest in peace sugar, sounds overrated but I still hope anyway. I'm sorry I had to give you away, sorry I didn't come round to see you enough, sorry that I never made enough time to just throw toys around with you. I hope you really had a nice time with both us and your new family though. Goodbye..

It seems unfair, she was only 3 years old, it makes me question, were the staff at the dog hotel even looking after her properly. Were they watching her, did they bring her to the vet with urgency or did they just leave her to suffer in pain until they could be bothered to get her to there the next day? I miss you so so so much.