Pages of a novel : March 2013

Hello guys!

I'm sure you've all noticed the template change, hopefully it doesn't look screwed up on browsers other than chrome. Anyway, uni holidays have officially started, I'm so glad! Kind of needed a pause button on the inundating amounts of work I have yet to do. On thursday, I went for a bit of shopping with some friends and spent so much.

I've never blown such a large sum of money in one go, though in my defence it was stuff I needed: new university bag, enclosed shoes. Well, I bought a $13 dollar dress because it was cheap, not because I needed it but still.

Today I went over to Jen's house to bake 'taiwanese style macarons' though, they're probably more like mini cake things with cream/butter filling inside them. The four of us (jen, her sister lily, coco&I) took turns carrying out the methods needed. Most of the cleaning up was done by Jen though, I swear she could go be a housewife right now :') SHE IS SINGLE GUYS 8D If I was a guy I'd totally date her, nice long legs, good at cooking, enjoyable company ;) Ahem, before people start going on about how I'm retarded, lets move on to a picture of our baked goods:

They look so cute ^^ we clamped cream between the shells

Spaghetti for lunch, kindly made by Jen for us (her mum, sisters, coco& I) + our finished product at the back for dessert. They had a karaoke machine in their house too, so we were singing whilst relaxing at her house. Jen also gave me the cup that I painted in Taiwan when I was with her.

Jen's cup is the blue one & mine is the one underneath. One day when we're forty, I swear I'm going to go to her house and drink tea with her out of these cups.

I love their kitchen, it's so modern and nice. The room is so nicely lit.

I was stalking all of her pets: Daisy & Chanel (pictured above) as well as her adorable fluffy cat Twinkle. It actually approached me! According to Jen it usually runs away, I feel a sense of accomplishment 8D

I got home to find my family in a flurry of activity, packing for their trip to Taiwan tonight. I'm so sad, I can't go because I have mid-sem exams first week back. As a result I'll be a loner at home for the duration of this one week holiday. Oh well, time to bake, read & study!

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Hello guys, I'm procrastinating university work so I decided to write a little short story. Well the beginning of it anyway. The writing style is a little different from usual, but I've been reading lots of novels lately and I just decided to give this writing style a go :) Maybe I'll use a little more figurative language next time.

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Part 1: Dreams of fire

Hot. Burning. Pain. I can feel it, smell it, touch it and even taste it; the acid at the back of my throat as I try to hold in the scream that is fighting to claw it's way out of my mouth. I almost convince myself that I'm blind, but I'm not. Surely if I were blind I would not be able to see the red, a bright angry colour imprinted on the back of my eyelids. Something stirs at the back of my mind but the pain is too much for me to give it a second thought. All I can concentrate on is the heat, the searing pain that is growing inside me, the flames that lick greedily at my limbs. I feel like clawing everywhere; my face, my body. Anything to get rid of the fire. I want to scream and scream and scream, but I cannot escape. It's a test, that's all I can manage to remember.

All I can do is endure, stay silent, stay calm and focused. I have to do this for him, even as the monster continues searing at me, hungrily consuming everything I have. I feel as if I have nothing left to burn, I cannot move but somehow the fire continues on, an inferno that makes each second that ticks by harder to bear. I'm about to let go, to allow the tide of inky blackness wash over me, to release the sounds of suffering and pain which are trapped behind my tightly pressed lips. This is it I think, the moment where the futility of my effort comes to an end. I try to picture his face one last time, the sound of his voice, his laughter but I cannot. I come up to a blank wall. Every inch of me is tensed up like a coiled spring, waiting for death to claim it at any second.

All of a sudden, I'm falling - dropping fast like a burnt rag doll into an abyss of darkness. Somehow, the pain follows me albeit somehow a different kind. I didn't think it'd hurt when I finally died. Just before blackness swallows me, a thought manages to squeeze it's way out: Guess life just isn't fair, not even at the very end.

A thud, that's how I'm jolted awake and for a moment I lie there, heart beating painfully in my chest. It always takes me a while to calm down and by the end I always realise the pain that follows me as I fall isn't because of the fire - merely the bitter thought that I've failed yet again. I do not yet understand why it is such a matter of grave importance to me though. We're not supposed to have these kind of dreams, not when our bodies haven't developed enough physically yet to love. Apparently loving takes a lot of strength, thats why those who love have to burn - to test if we're strong enough to hold on. Well that's what they tell us, and I'm not inclined to disagree, they're mostly always right. We're not forced to love, in fact most choose not to. Only the brave ones do, well that's what I think anyway, most people just think them foolish. Maybe that's why I'm keep having this dream over and over, even though I don't yet love anyone. It's always the same dream and the same boy, but somehow I can never figure out who he is. Perhaps what they like to whisper behind my back really is true, that young Lena Rosefleet became queer after she started her first day of high school.

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I actually find this so hilarious, probably because I can relate to it, sad life +1. Yesterday I went over to elaine's house in the afternoon because she was taking me to youth group that night. When we got there every was busy with preparation, they filled water bottles with a kind of glow in the dark liquid & placed them in front of the worship team.

At the end, some people put the non-toxic glow in the dark liquid on the tongues, so hilarious. (credits to Eric for most of the photos).It looked so amazing! Elaine was in the worship team!

I love the sound of drums, I wish I could play them. The sound awesome, I shall learn one day. Anyone who can play is awesome :')

Ablaze of 2013!

Anyway, basically after that I discovered I'm probably one of the most socially awkward/ unlucky person out there. Long story cut short, I was walking with two of Paul's medicine friends (whom I just met) & Rashaun (church friend). We were all standing there and I had been meaning to congratulate Rashaun on getting a girlfriend so while we were waiting for some pre-service games to commence I tried to do just that. I reached out my arm and was like

"hey, congrats on you and your girlfriend......"

before I realised he turned away just at the moment I started talking so I was left standing there with my arms outstretched awkwardly ;_; It was so embarrassing because only Paul's friends heard me and were like "haha, its okay we heard you :P" while I commenced cringing behind a pole. Then Rashaun turns back and notices their amused faces and my awkward one and is like "huh? so what's going on?" Paul's friends came to my rescue and were like "haha don't worry about it, its all good!".

After the service while everyone was enjoying food and drink, I finally told Rashaun what happened haha & he was laughing at my misfortune -_- I'm in the middle of paying him out for being so mean and afterwards as soon as he turns away to look somewhere else I get hit by a ball on the head. OMG. My bad luck charm man. Why oh why do these things always happen to me :')

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Hello! Happy 18th birthday to Eva tomorrow ! :)

Today I went to Eva's 18th birthday Scavenger hunt. We were meant to meet up at 11am but I accidentally turned off my alarm clock while I was sleeping and woke up at 10:30am so I came around ten minutes late. She allocated us into little groups and we had to run around completing a list of things she wrote up. We had to go around finding the things on the list and taking photos. It proved to be quite fun yet embarrassing at the same time. To give you a idea, a few of the options included:

1. Asian squat in front of Louis Vuitton while doing peace signs, this was actually so embarrassing because rich looking people were walking past and a security guard was right at the entrance.

2. Posing exactly the same as a mannequin & taking a photo with a guy in a business suit (except we figured Eva didn't specify he had to be REAL, so we took a photo with a picture of a guy in a business suit instead HAHA).

2. Find a guy with dimples (Nurit was working and we asked her if anyone had dimples, and she dragged him out. He looked pretty scared lmao)

3. Do exactly as a street sign says

4. A photo with team members wearing masks

5. Go into culture kings and wear snapbacks

6. One member wearing size twelve shoes

7. Wearing lipstick messily (haha we did a interpretation of the Joker from Batman).

8. Posing seductively with a feather boa

9. Cream moustache (we went to maccas to buy soft serves just for this).

10. Cycling on a city cycle

(note we had to have at least 2 members in the photo and at least one member doing the act) Hahaha. It was so hot though, at least we got heaps of exercise. Our final task was to print out all the photos at office works before heading for a late lunch at Maru, cut the cake and opened presents :)

The crumbed pork + cheese dish Yee sum & I shared.

It was a really fun day, had this talking session with yasmin/justine.

Losers of the challenge (based on hilarity of photos/number of challenges completed) had to wear green leprechaun hats eva brought along. Sadly my team lost :') We got more challenges but another group had a funny picture that linda liked so we came last. HAHAHA we got to keep the hats though, and the winners didn't get anything lmao. In the end everybody loved the hat and tried it on though.

Afterwards I went to dymocks for a bit with Yee sum, yasmin& justine, we were spazzing over books together :D We're gonna like make a book club man.

After they left, I went back and bought a book yasmin recommended (Delirium) and sat around for 2 hours waiting for my brother to finish work. He shouted me maccas for dinner and we went to have noggi afterwards because I was craving it :D Haha procastinating so much university work, but I'll consider it giving myself therapy for uni stress/life. Can't wait to read my book later on tonight.

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Okay you know what? I shouldn't have deleted that post a couple of days ago. I should've left it up because in the end, it proved extremely relevant to what happened today. I thought maybe I was just being difficult, emotional and well generally easily offended so I decided to take the post down. I thought maybe I was just over thinking and that maybe I judged too quickly. Maybe half of you didn't see it, well thats kind of a good thing I guess since it's not exactly a happy post. This isn't really going to be one either. I don't want to point the problem out too obviously nor single out names, because well I guess there is still some part of me that doesn't want to bring any judgements upon those involved as well as myself. But I believe those who were involved will know exactly what I'm talking about.

Maybe I'm being to petty, maybe there was a misunderstanding. I'd like to think so, but I genuinely doubt it. How many times has it been that we've had a problem over this? You of all people, I honestly thought you changed. I thought you wanted to make an effort instead of purposefully excluding people while making it damn obvious. You know, if you didn't want to come, you could've just said so; you didn't have to go pretending you did. Was it mockery? It sure does seem like it, because although I initially accepted your reason, it turned out to be more of a serious omission of truth. Like the fact that the reason you couldn't join us was because you already 'made plans with some friends' - Friends who happened to be the exact same people who were invited to come out today. Were you trying to rub it in our faces when you made it public? I didn't want to be mad at you, I kept thinking maybe I was just being over emotional but no. I was wrong. From knowing you over the years, there is a high probability that what you did today was intentional and not just because you were simply too insensitive. I don't believe that. You might say I sometimes go out with other people without inviting you. The difference is, it's usually a small group and not including everybody we're both associated with. So I wasn't exactly purposefully excluding you was I? I did make attempts to invite you too, though you always seemed too busy for that too. Even for whole group outings with everybody there.

I still don't understand your motive. To exclude so it gives you a special close knit feeling with other people? To hurt those who genuinely considered you a friend? If so, congratulations, you've achieved your purpose. If you were to do this, could you not have made it slightly more PRIVATE? It wouldn't really lessen the severity of the situation by much, but at least it would show that you had some sense of decency to make it seem subtle. Maybe I'm too naive? Or was too naive? I considered you a friend, I thought all of us would be happy to see one another. Instead, all that was received was a limited amount of response; a few excuses which didn't end up quite so applicable since you seemed perfectly capable of turning up somewhere else all together. I believed in you. Maybe some of you didn't do it out of malicious intent but you could've said something. Told us what was going to happen. Am I honestly being over sensitive? After its happened so many times? It takes so much effort just to organise and chase up most of you to make sure the time is right, what we're doing is right so that you want to turn up.

I don't know, I thought we all treasured this friendship. After what happened today though, I can only conclude:

1. You specifically were trying to rub it in our face, and to 'piss us off' because its 'funny' (which you seem to love doing).

2. Maybe the rest didn't care as much as I did about what we had. You didn't see it necessary to tell us or anything.

I guess what I think sometimes doesn't really match up to reality. I'm honestly disappointed, and of course all the other kind of emotions that generally come with that. I would've done almost anything for you guys. Truly. But I guess you guys didn't feel the same way.

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