Self-esteem
I apologise for the lack of posts - it is in part due to my laziness but also due to the fact that a couple of academic commitments have cropped up. Haha okay, I'm pretty sure all of you have better things to do in life than check the somewhat self-degrading ramblings of a nineteen year old girl but anyhow.
Sometimes, I ask myself why I keep this blog going and I still reach the conclusion that I keep it for the memories , for documenting my thoughts and everyday life. We change a bit by bit, every single day without realising sometimes and it is just really interesting to be able to scroll back to see how things used to be. I guess I'm too much of a sentimental person.
Until I finish my exam on monday, I probably won't be putting up picture posts or anything. Just wanted to stop by and write something - I feel like I haven't written anything with proper 'content' in ages. Mainly just a sort of commentary or caption, which makes me feel like my entries aren't even fit for a 'blog'.
I want to touch upon a very important aspect in life: self-esteem. Yes, a really random topic but as I grow older, I begin to realise that self-esteem really is crucial as it has such an impact on who you are, what you are willing to chase after and how you perceive your own worth. I've always scoffed at people talking about how going around facing life with confidence is important. I always thought, if one lulled themselves into a false sense of confidence and security, then they would become complacent and lazy. I think it's actually the opposite, by being too critical of yourself sometimes, you lose that motivation and belief in yourself to go on. You accept lesser opportunities, aiming lower and lower because of what you perceive to be failures - at least it's like that on my part anyway.
I've begun to realise that the way I perceive myself is quite unhealthy because it ends up impacting others. I feel insecure and self conscious so easily , I have this constant fear at the back of my mind that people will judge me or dislike me if I were to do one little thing. I also constantly feel like people are always watching or judging what I do, which makes me unable to full relax in public situations, it's just so strange. I want to be able to live in the moment without reservations or considerations. I want to be a strength to other people, instead of a burden ; someone always in need of encouragement and flattery in order to temporarily feel a sense of self-worth.
Actually, I think a lot of my negative emotions tend to stem from low self-esteem. It sounds stupid, diagnosing myself like this but there have been people around me who have commented on it as well I suppose. Easily jealous or doubting of a person's affection for me, the fear that failing to portray anything but a 'perfect image' will garner hate, the sensitivity to criticism - these are all things I experience on a regular basis, not even just when I'm at a ultimate low. So, I want to teach myself that there is nothing wrong with recognising one's own strengths and good points, embracing what you cannot change. Yes, it sounds amazingly cliche and I sound like some old lady lecturing everyone on the importance of self esteem but I think, I'm just in a contemplative mood that is all.
Anyhow, I cannot stress enough how so immensely I am grateful to have made the friends I've made and to have met the people I've met. Thank you, for always constantly providing encouragement and for seeing good things in me :3 Thank you, for always being patient with me, even when sometimes I give off nothing but a vibe of pessimism, as if I am in desperate need of nurturing.
However, it makes me really happy everyday knowing that people are able to also trust me with their problems as well and that I may be of support and use to them as well.
Wow... okay so I ended up writing more than i thought. All those jumbled up random contemplations have been dumped here, I apologise if I sound condescending :P I think ok, i don't know what I think. It is time I went off to bed, all that statistic study I've been doing the past 2-3 days must be driving me insane. (jokes, what study).
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