Fear of one becoming desensitised simply because of seeing something happen repeatedly.
You know, I've been called 'considerate' by quite a few people I know. It's always a word that people use to describe me but sometimes I can't help but wonder whether it is true or not. I've always been taught by my parents from a young age to take notice of my actions, to make sure that I'm not unknowingly offending someone with what I say, do or implicate.
I guess over the years with how I grew up, I feel like I lost empathy and affection along the way. That's not to say that I don't have any, I think I just had it bottled up somewhere until the right people came along for me to release it. For a while, it was just easier to do things based upon logic; what was good and proper as opposed what I felt like doing at the time. This is both a good and bad thing but I've realised I'm leaning more towards following my own whims nowadays. I do things because I feel like it and usually sometimes neglect things I logically tell myself I should be doing.
Anyhow, with my being "considerate", I sometimes worry that perhaps this isn't who I truly am at all, simply a trait I've been trained into imitating. I do notice a lot of small details and consider how it may make other people feel but sometimes I feel like its for my own benefit because inherently, my biggest fear is not being able to retain someone's affection, good opinion or approval of me. I realise that much of my motivation for doing things is externally based; that is, my belief in my own abilities and worth is based on what other people think.
I know it is such a terrible habit because in the end, everybody says that appreciating your own worth is the most important. Excuse the cliche, but you know ; cliches are probably cliches for a reason. I think the point I'm getting at here, is that sometimes I don't know if I'm a truly good person or not. Whether I do what I do to make sure people don't dislike me or whether its because I truly want to do these things. Yeah, I really don't know.
Sometimes though, my moodiness and the urge I have just to lash out or criticise scares me because it makes me feel like perhaps I'm really just a bad person inside and that people have false good impressions of who I am. I guess the only way I can hope to eradicate this fear is by presenting the most honest version of myself as I can and leaving it up to people to decide. Whilst I don't feel completely at ease writing everything up, I guess expressing it also feels like a form of liberation.
