Strange
It's been almost a month since I last blogged but not quite - such a huge gap considering I used to come here and just write every day. It was a way of just keeping myself sane I guess, writing down things I experienced, things I saw and things I felt but nowadays I have people around me who are willing to take the place of what this blog once did for me.
Sure, its slightly different but I think essentially this is why I've changed my habits. I find myself sleeping earlier and consumed with my everyday life - in a way its a good thing because I stop overthinking and contemplating so much yet a part of me can't help but feel I'm just temporarily numbing myself. I don't want to be cold, logical and calculating; weighing benefits and risks in order to make decisions. I actually have no idea what I'm rambling on about but anyhow.
At times because I'm so caught up in life recently, I feel as though I'm too tired to care about anything ; things I used to think about on a regular basis I no longer care about as much. I feel tired enough that sometimes even if I'm not happy with how much effort I put, I don't lift a finger to change anything. I just sit there and stare into space, silent and scarily empty. But then I have days when I'm not so exhausted, days when I find that I should get up off my backside and do something worthwhile. It's a strange journey really - I recognise I'm a bit of a downer and want to change that yet at times I feel so lazy, lethargic and stuck in old habits to change.
It's like I'm taking my days one step at a time, I find it hard to see a future and because imagining it just sometimes makes me feel empty. All I want to do at the moment is to be a better version of myself, get through the days; eventually find a nice stable job. Anyhow, thats me in my tired mindset. Strangely enough I'm quite rested today and actually got up to help mum out in the kitchen. Now to muster up enough motivation to start exercising on a regular basis. I keep having short bursts of motivation and exercise for a few minutes or one day and just stop.
It may really depend on my mood but I think practicing positivity when I remember will eventually allow me to gain motivation for working hard again. I just somewhere along the years forgot how it felt to just be absolutely filled with conviction for a goal. I forgot my good habits and my belief in myself. This is such a random post, but I guess I felt like I owed something; a proper blog entry, not just photos and random captions.
Oh well, I shall power through this and start hopefully planning some exciting happy things for the holidays :)
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