Perspective
It's so hard to distinguish whether a certain feeling is right or wrong because it all depends on perspective. It's a struggle at times, to not let emotions get the better of fair judgement. They say there is no right or wrong, only the fact that it is just how you feel. This concept however, is hard to wrap my head around. Sometimes I find myself just trying to analyse whether my opinions or feelings are justified or morally correct and if I should be thinking about things the way I do.
For one, I know I'm not a big fan of change. I'm a bit of a sentimental person really, and a very idealistic one at that. I seem to have certain in-built expectations of how things should be or how things should remain. Often, despite how irrational it may sound, I always lament change because it signifies loss of something I treasure or want to preserve forever. It's hard sometimes, to balance myself. I've been told that I tend to want things my own way - yet I know for a fact that free will must be a part of the equation. It is hard to be happy with something knowing that the other party might feel pressured or coerced into following my said ways.
I'm not too sure what I'm trying to express here I guess, just that my head is a little bit scrambled. I tend to have a habit of victimising myself, often spending days feeling like I've been wronged. I nit-pick at things in my life and make excuses for my own behaviour. There are however, times where I really just feel a sense of loathing for my way of thinking. Why is it that I must take things so personally and be hypersensitive? Why can I always find ways to critique something, no matter how much I might treasure it? Why do I hold past hurts and incidents so close to my heart that I sometimes cannot help bring it up again as part of an argument? If only I were a genuinely kind, sweet-natured person with no personal agendas.
I struggle sometimes, between dissatisfaction and admiration. I cannot help but place emphasis on things which may not seem important to others, all because of perspective. I wish I were a genuinely loving person like you but I know I'm not. It makes me afraid, of what side of me will emerge once all the barriers have dropped. Sometimes I feel like I should dedicate more time to myself to create some independence and distance - after all, it does seem to be a preferred personality trait. It is difficult though, to focus solely only myself and to not try categorise my feelings as being justified or unjustified.
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