Pages of a novel

Hi guys, I make my grand reappearance on christmas eve. Nah, I'm just kidding, this wasn't really planned out except I now have access to a computer: My new macbook air!! Yes unfortunately my old laptop still has not revived so I had to go get a new one. I've upgraded to a 13 inch one now rather than the 11 inch hehe, and i can now be matchy matchy with my dear jenwen.

It's kind of awkward that half the photos I've been saving for my blog posts are kind of like... one month ago or more but ANYHOW. I'll get those through and then hopefully start on my present day life. I suppose I should do some reflection for 2014 as most people do, but I'll get round to it another day yeah? There are still a few more days left of this year.

Soon what's been happening in the last month? Well as I mentioned a couple of times already, I finished placement!! Oh and my brother had his senior formal + graduated. He doesn't seem to have the same sense of wanting to take gajillion photos as memories but its okay ;)

Being the top sister I am I took it upon myself to snap a few photos. Didn't get to attend his graduation though.

Elaine and her family rocked up at my house too since her brother was also attending the pre-party at my house.

We tried to get more photos of everyone but they were being incredibly awkward and reluctant to take photos with us around so we ended up just leaving a camera for them to take photos themselves. One of my brothers friends wore a floral tie and I noted with amusement that he'd just casually taken a flower bud from some plant outside my apartment and used it as a boutonnière of sorts.

Elaine and I were messing around for a bit ;) Then I took an obligatory photo with my "grown up" brother. He is such a last minute person; I had to take him formal shopping like two days before the actual event and I just kept shoving shirts onto him. BUUUT it turned out alright in the end. Awkward sibling photo just because.

I think my brothers friends didn't realise I was standing in the kitchen when they were talking and one of his friends rushed out half naked in a bid to get changed quickly and I was just speechless. Anyhow moving on from that... :3 my days have been filled with good food and good company!

Thank you :3

"Can we please take an asian selfie?" HAHAHAHAHA. Then post placement dinner at Verve !! We were missing Tam who went overseas. We miss you tam!

A few days after that big feast I went and had another feast at Garden station with some high school friends, just spontaneously. For once, most of us managed to make it despite the fact that usually when we actually organise something EARLIER, not many people can. I think spontaneity is the key. It's so much more convenient now that a few people can drive; we can get to more places. I really need my P plates.

My friends have been telling me lately to spend more money on myself so I tried. Opted to buy myself expensive running shoes for the first time in my life.

Not to mention the fact that I also went shopping with Coco and she persuaded me to by a $35 eyeshadow palette. The girl got accepted into two different fashion schools, I'm so proud of her.

She also gave me a make up lesson of sorts the other day and gave me a bunch of make up that she isn't using anymore :3

I love my free runs :3 But i still need to join the gym so I can actually use them properly. I've just been pretending to fake fitness so far. I really really need to exercise so I can be satisfied with how I look man; not to mention I must actually act upon my words.

Sigh, I don't know what I'm writing anymore, seems like its all over the place. This is what happens when I haven't been blogging frequently but ah well, i'll get there in the end. A Merry christmas to you all :3 Even though I'll be spending majority of my day tomorrow moving things from my garage.. My manager played a prank on a couple of us by getting empty paper boxes and wrapping them up. She stuck a sign on the wall saying "Do not touch or open until end of shift! Merry christmas. Love santa". Such is the life.

Anyhow, goodnight to you all! I shall be back soon hopefully.

11:30 PM No comments

11:35 PM No comments

Fear of one becoming desensitised simply because of seeing something happen repeatedly.

You know, I've been called 'considerate' by quite a few people I know. It's always a word that people use to describe me but sometimes I can't help but wonder whether it is true or not. I've always been taught by my parents from a young age to take notice of my actions, to make sure that I'm not unknowingly offending someone with what I say, do or implicate.

I guess over the years with how I grew up, I feel like I lost empathy and affection along the way. That's not to say that I don't have any, I think I just had it bottled up somewhere until the right people came along for me to release it. For a while, it was just easier to do things based upon logic; what was good and proper as opposed what I felt like doing at the time. This is both a good and bad thing but I've realised I'm leaning more towards following my own whims nowadays. I do things because I feel like it and usually sometimes neglect things I logically tell myself I should be doing.

Anyhow, with my being "considerate", I sometimes worry that perhaps this isn't who I truly am at all, simply a trait I've been trained into imitating. I do notice a lot of small details and consider how it may make other people feel but sometimes I feel like its for my own benefit because inherently, my biggest fear is not being able to retain someone's affection, good opinion or approval of me. I realise that much of my motivation for doing things is externally based; that is, my belief in my own abilities and worth is based on what other people think.

I know it is such a terrible habit because in the end, everybody says that appreciating your own worth is the most important. Excuse the cliche, but you know ; cliches are probably cliches for a reason. I think the point I'm getting at here, is that sometimes I don't know if I'm a truly good person or not. Whether I do what I do to make sure people don't dislike me or whether its because I truly want to do these things. Yeah, I really don't know.

Sometimes though, my moodiness and the urge I have just to lash out or criticise scares me because it makes me feel like perhaps I'm really just a bad person inside and that people have false good impressions of who I am. I guess the only way I can hope to eradicate this fear is by presenting the most honest version of myself as I can and leaving it up to people to decide. Whilst I don't feel completely at ease writing everything up, I guess expressing it also feels like a form of liberation.

12:46 AM No comments

Hello guys, I enjoy blogging, I really do. However, as mentioned previously I just end up feeling so tired and lazy by the end of the day I tell myself that I'll blog the day after. It's not a chore really and sometimes it is nice to know that occasionally that what I write may be of interest to another. I've been busy with hospital placement lately but over the course of these weeks I've discovered that either 1) I'm just really lazy OR 2) my practical skills are just not on par with everyone else. Although it makes me feel a little frustrated at times, I guess its the little things (as cliche as that sounds) that make me feel like I'm making progress.

On top of placement, I've also had a few assignments and thus my days would be placement and then my afternoons would consist of assignment dates with pk at the library. I admit I've been a bit scatterbrained this time round, I hope its not becoming a habit. Hopefully next year I'll be a bit more on track. On a nice note though, I came back from a tiring day to find this waiting for me:

My dad decided casually to go buy me a new camera whilst he was in Taiwan. Maybe because I kept taking his whenever I go on outings haha. Well I do like taking photos. Dad claims it is made just for me because it has one of those flipping screens for taking selfies. As if I had time to do that on a daily basis.

I also got a late birthday package from elaine :3 delivered all the way from Gatton. A few interesting choices, loving the randomness of the socks hahaha! I've realised that I have much trouble buying things, especially make up. This is ironic because I want to look nice and polished like other girls I see yet cannot bring myself to buy something I am not 100% will suit me. Half my make up stuff seems to be from other people.

Friday afternoons have weekly dinner dates with my uni friends. We eat gigantic meals and the proceed to have dessert. In fact one week we horrified victoria's boyfriend because went for two rounds of dessert after dinner. First at meet fresh then at Coco's jungle.

Finally got the experience the feeling of getting driven around by friends who have their P's. Tam and Justin had the chance to show off their prowess regarding this aspect. One day I shall also get my P plates. We went to Seoul Bistro three weeks ago for dinner and I got the cutest matcha latte ever.

Last saturday I was finally able to meet up with my dear jenwen for a brunch date of sorts. We decided to go this nice little place called Flowers of the world cafe. We've been walking past so many times now and finally decided to go try it out. I really like the atmosphere.

As the name suggests, half the store is decorated with really nice flowers. The cafe also operates as a flower shop. I am in love with their rose bouquets.

I feel like I haven't caught up with so many people. It scares me how subtly one can just drift away from another without realising. But its okay because if anything, I've realised the people I definitely still want to remain close to. Actually, I think I've been a crap friend as of late, letting myself get caught up in life.

Thank you jenwen for making the time to come out and hang even though you had study to do :3 Oh and uh, I made a half hearted attempt at dressing up for a halloween party my workmate invited me to. She decked out her entire yard with tombstones, fake coffins and the like. However as always, I managed to have an awkward encounter and I must ask myself why.

Went for a solo retail therapy after placement one day because I was feeling a little less tired than usual. I actually felt like I spent so much but in reality it wasn't even that expensive. Did I mention that Pk dragged me over to MAC so I could look at lipsticks? Lipsticks for ME to look at because I was simply too pansy to approach previously for fear of being pressured into buying something. Still, I ended up walking away after a while even after finding a nice shade I liked ; I think I have a problem with buying nice things for myself.

Vincent finished his exams on friday so finally met up and had brunch together. I really wanted to try out Shouk Cafe so we went on a journey to Paddington. It's too bad that they just changed the menu last week because I had really wanted to try out one of their dishes that had fruit and panna cotta that I saw on urban spoon.

Vincent got Eggs benedict and I got the Latke Stack (Polish potato pancake stack with bacon, crème fraîche, dill and pickled red onions). The food was actually so nice and I really liked the atmosphere because it was well lit and it was high up so we could see out the window for a nice view.

Somehow managed to kill five hours whilst waiting for our 6:20pm movie. I feel sorry for vincent because I dragged him around the stores trying to find various things yet couldn't convince myself to by them in the end because there weren't exactly what I was after and I couldn't justify the price. Okay cool story I know. All this random stuff has just come splurging out because I feel as though time is slipping away so quickly and I want to remember so much of what happens.

This quote just about sums up what I feel:

"You get a strange feeling when you're about to leave a place. Like you'll not only miss the people you love but you'll miss the person you are now at this time and place , because you'll never be this way ever again"

I cannot hope to capture everything but I want to try.

11:30 PM No comments

It's been almost a month since I last blogged but not quite - such a huge gap considering I used to come here and just write every day. It was a way of just keeping myself sane I guess, writing down things I experienced, things I saw and things I felt but nowadays I have people around me who are willing to take the place of what this blog once did for me.

Sure, its slightly different but I think essentially this is why I've changed my habits. I find myself sleeping earlier and consumed with my everyday life - in a way its a good thing because I stop overthinking and contemplating so much yet a part of me can't help but feel I'm just temporarily numbing myself. I don't want to be cold, logical and calculating; weighing benefits and risks in order to make decisions. I actually have no idea what I'm rambling on about but anyhow.

At times because I'm so caught up in life recently, I feel as though I'm too tired to care about anything ; things I used to think about on a regular basis I no longer care about as much. I feel tired enough that sometimes even if I'm not happy with how much effort I put, I don't lift a finger to change anything. I just sit there and stare into space, silent and scarily empty. But then I have days when I'm not so exhausted, days when I find that I should get up off my backside and do something worthwhile. It's a strange journey really - I recognise I'm a bit of a downer and want to change that yet at times I feel so lazy, lethargic and stuck in old habits to change.

It's like I'm taking my days one step at a time, I find it hard to see a future and because imagining it just sometimes makes me feel empty. All I want to do at the moment is to be a better version of myself, get through the days; eventually find a nice stable job. Anyhow, thats me in my tired mindset. Strangely enough I'm quite rested today and actually got up to help mum out in the kitchen. Now to muster up enough motivation to start exercising on a regular basis. I keep having short bursts of motivation and exercise for a few minutes or one day and just stop.

It may really depend on my mood but I think practicing positivity when I remember will eventually allow me to gain motivation for working hard again. I just somewhere along the years forgot how it felt to just be absolutely filled with conviction for a goal. I forgot my good habits and my belief in myself. This is such a random post, but I guess I felt like I owed something; a proper blog entry, not just photos and random captions.

Oh well, I shall power through this and start hopefully planning some exciting happy things for the holidays :)

11:22 PM No comments

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