At a loss
I feel at a loss to be honest. Being forced to study, I'm sick of hearing about studying. Have you studied today yet? How many hours have you studied? Did you focus when you studied today? Come back home early so you can study. Go to the library to study. What did you study today? Stop desiring and start studying. I'm so sick of hearing the word 'Study'.
I feel so pressured to study on the holidays and of course I understand the need for it but I hate being reminded all the time and having that heavy weight at the back of my mind every time I try to enjoy my leisure time. Its holidays, give me a break, its not as if I'm not planning to study at all. Every single time I try to relax, I feel guilty. Is it wrong to be able to relax without having these feelings? What I hate most though is you're right, I'm not enjoying my study, I'm not focusing, I'm not doing enough, its just I don't care to admit it to myself. In fact, I'd rather live in a world of oblivion, numb to the little thoughts that plague my mind. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself, hoping that others' comforts will fill the emptiness.
To be honest, I know. Your words remind me of just how little I'm doing to improve my situation and I hate that. The little cowardly part of me that is unwilling to face reality. I have no idea how to get a grip, to get back what used to be mine. The confidence in exams, the carefree feeling while waiting for my report cards and results. Perhaps its seeing others getting the ideal results without working half as hard as I did before, maybe that's what happened. But all this is just excuses now, I've grown so used to hiding in my own excuses its pathetic. I'm content listening to the words of comfort offered by others and shrouding myself away from the realities of life. I have no idea what I'm doing, I have no idea what I want to do in the future anymore. I have no desire to do anything in particular, not even things I used to enjoy and it scares me just a little bit.
Nothing really fills the void; the internet, reading, watching TV, going out. All of it is just a temporary replacement to what seems to be missing. I feel cut off from the world yet this sacrifice is not beneficial to me both physical and intellectually. How pathetic. I'm sick of being ashamed, sick of wanting to hide the results, sick of having the hopeless feeling before exams. I honestly don't know what happened to me, perhaps its that I look back on the past too often and rely on the old memories to give myself a boost. But, it no longer works anymore. Its so easy to wallow in self pity, waiting for a day when miraculously I will be hit with a wave of motivation, motivation to work hard, motivation to be a person I want to be.
Everything you say forces me to face the real situation, that I'm no longer who I used to be, that I'm not moving forward while others are, that I can't just keep waiting forever. I've come to realize that what you say is true. Without hard work, I'll be nothing, without the intellectual ability I'll only end up as a good-for-nothing and pathetic person that relies on someone else. Its not beauty, charm, talent that will get me through the rest of my life.The only possible asset is the academic results I could achieve by hard work.
People who once looked at me as a equal now look down on me, its shameful really. I don't want to be one of those that people look down upon yet nothing I am doing is preventing it. Yes, the truth is, I don't want to face myself, face the reality, banish the pride that always gets in the way between you and me and I'm sorry for that. However pathetic it sounds, I do feel a measurable amount of guilt. Yes, that word again. Guilt. Perhaps its time to motivate myself with something more, I don't know, but something needs to be done fast.
I know its probably a bit late to say this, but sorry for the mass load of self pity I just dumped on the unfortunate souls who just read this, its nothing really. Just a load of complaints yet again. Argh i really need to stop doing that. asdfawefasdf not good penny. Publicizing my complaints at life.
I know its probably a bit late to say this, but sorry for the mass load of self pity I just dumped on the unfortunate souls who just read this, its nothing really. Just a load of complaints yet again. Argh i really need to stop doing that. asdfawefasdf not good penny. Publicizing my complaints at life.
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