Midnight contemplation
I did:
2hrs of physics
1hr and a half of math C
1 hr of chemistry
30 minutes of violin
Why do I not feel productive? :o
Hmm I've been stuffing myself with food lately, I think it's the stress kicking in. Ah, I'm meant to be completing my english homework at the moment but got momentarily distracted. Dear me, please get back on track, please stand up and persevere for your own dreams, please don't give up.
I aim to be a more optimistic person, I guess it's just hard because I've always been pessimistic. From a young age, I learnt that if I didn't expect so much, I wouldn't be so disappointed and things which went opposite to my negative expectations would make me so much more happier. Hm, I guess its a pretty bad habit now. I always thought it was just a cliche message being shoved into our faces from everywhere but I guess being positive does affect you so much more. If you're able to retain that little bit of hope, belief, self esteem you're able to push yourself so much further and you're able to stand stronger.
I haven't blogged so late in a while, guess I'm in my contemplative mood again. I read a few blog posts online, they complained of teenagers pretending to be all deep and meaningful with their 'emo' posts. Hm, I don't know, everyone has different opinions I guess but my strong belief is that as long as it is your blog, anything you write should not be a target of hate simply because its a expression of your own personality. Wow I'm jumping from one topic to the next.
I just came across someone's blog, made me want to reach out to them so much. I can totally relate with what they felt. I might not be able to promise forever, or to always always always be there no matter what, but I want to reach out and comfort them, even if perhaps it's not in the way they need most. One day, one day I'll be the strong one, the positive one, the one who is able to support someone else. People tell me I am quite persuasive and good with words, perhaps one day I'll be able to put that into good use.
I've always been the type to look on the negative side of things, to be skeptical when people tell each other they're beautiful no matter what, when people tell each other they'll be together forever etc. Cause in my mind, that has never existed. Don't ask me why, I don't believe in forever love and its not like I've even had a boyfriend before, odd huh. I wonder where all the pessimism with regards to love comes from. Actually, I'm trying to be more open about the whole idea of love, that there might actually be people who love each other whole-heartedly. From what I've witnessed over two years, Mibi and Fuzz are the only ones I believe might even love each other that much. It makes me happy though, to see that it might actually be possible. I feel like posting some things that I heard which is adorable x100000 but probably wouldn't be advisable since mibi would probably kill me. With regards to this belief of mine, perhaps I'll think differently when I actually find someone I love with all my heart just like them.
I hope that'll be possible for me. Maybe one day I'll discover it's not actually like I think; someone will love me, despite my tendency to be overbearing, bossy and easily angered. Perhaps they'll stay, and for some weird reason like my personality. It disturbs me when people call me cute because I know I'm not, my personality is so far from it and i'm nowhere near the sweet, passive, hypo girl who they think I am. I've been told repeatedly of the vices in my personality; the tendency to blame others, the selfishness, the high expectations, the repeated outbursts of anger when I am too proud to submit and just be a passive obedient daughter. I guess that has always made me believe that my personality is not as what most people think it is. I'm not some broken child who has suffered trauma in my life or anything, I have it pretty good but recently, I've come to consider that perhaps I'm not as bad as some people make me out to be, perhaps I'm really just being pessimistic without realising.
Always thought I was secretly vain and just used fake pessimism so that I could entice people into giving me compliments. I've started to realise though, I think i'm actually a pessimist, I actually lack self esteem to the point that I feel like giving up sometimes. Always thought there was no such thing as real pessimism, that it was just those psychologists making a big deal about teenagers being over-emotional and lacking in confidence but perhaps it might actually be true. Wow I typed so much, if you actually read up to this point, you probably just wasted at least five minutes of your life when you could actually be studying. Ahem, how hypocritical of me. I didn't think I would type so much, just ended up doing so anyway but I feel refreshed now, haven't typed so much in such a long time. My older posts always contained content similar to this, kind of. Apparently its a bad thing though. I don't want to appear to be some over-emotional person that people are scared of. What is wrong with me, I don't want people to think I'm shallow and then I don't want people to think I'm so mentally unstable freak. Oh well, I should probably say good night/ go make a start on english homework. I should sleep earlier.
Goodnight :) May tomorrow be a better day for you all!
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